Women hold so much love in our hearts. We hold onto our anger, we suck it in and integrate it. We turn it inwards and watch in horror as it seeps out amongst those who we love the most. We pick a fight with our partner, with our kids. It shows up as little “fuck you’s” under our breath. We lose our shit, say things we don’t mean and feel absolutely lousy when it surfaces.
It’s very different for men – they can have their outburst and be done with it, but for women, even Manifestors and Manifesting Generators where Anger is part of your process, it doesn’t always feel good when it’s expressed in an unhealthy way.
It takes so much longer for a woman to get to this anger stage – by now she has spent a lifetime, or backing down, pleasing others, keeping quiet, shutting up to keep the peace, recognizing she isn’t being heard or understood so why bother…and these little things add up.
They feel like 1000 paper cuts over the years and when a woman finally explodes this is when she gets called crazy – because people cannot handle the FURY of a woman in full Kali-like anger.
I get it – the image with this article is of the windshield of the family car in the last weeks before I left my ex husband. I was so full of rage. So full of feelings of being unheard, not understood. Years of pent up RAGE I blew up in the car and literally punched the windshield hard enough to cause a massive crack.
If a woman gets to this point, it comes out in really destructive ways – I’ve had clients ( before working with me) actually fire people in a fit of righteous anger because they felt disrespected and in an attempt to “make things right in their office” – but actually what it was doing was masking a deep hurt and martyr like resentment that she was doing all the work and they were not stepping up.
Let’s get uncomfortable for a second and talk about being a martyr ( a nice way of saying a victim)…women martyr all the time. “Look at what I do for you.” “Can’t you see that I’m here on the day of my mother’s funeral getting shit done and you’re late!” “I gave you the best years of my life.” “But you have no idea how hard it’s been for me.” Ouch. Yes. We do this.
The problem with martyring is that you are trying to call people’s bluff, get them to step up, get them to understand, help you be heard and understood, but they never do. And this is why you get angry and resentful and it always comes back at you.
You do all this stuff for other people and your family and nobody is grateful….you’re seething inside. “Nobody appreciates me.” The truth is, this is toxic energy and you’re the only one feeling it. They are going about their day, doing their thing, and you’re the one sitting there seething and you’re paying the price for that.
Women have been conditioned to put ourselves second – just look at history. You don’t need to be anyone special to know that women have been repressed for hundreds and hundreds of years. A long fucking time. Women have gotten the narrative – don’t rock the boat, don’t speak up, don’t upset anyone, be a good girl, put your family first, try to make it right, be strong and hold it together – don’t show that you’re weak, wait your turn to be happy, play along with the boys club, tolerate comments about your tits, your ass or your blow job capacity.
The color of your skin or your ethnicity adds another layer to the mix – where your culture might repress women or you are subjected to having your ideas rejected by arrogant, egotistical and racist colleagues.
We have all been subjected to this stuff. And these issues makes us ANGRY.
Feminism aside, let’s go back to the situation at hand…women get angry too and it’s hella fucking OK we do.
And there is a more gracious way to handle things, but you need to do the inner work.
You need to learn to release and surrender those pains, and then speak your truth but not your truth with BARBS and FANGS, your truth with LOVE and GRACE. This is a much higher way of speaking your truth.
You can slash and burn your life. Burn it down. Fire people. Have conversations that are like – you did this wrong, and so FUCK YOU.
Or you can have conversations like – hey – I feel this happened, I’m not OK with it. It’s not right, and I will not tolerate it. Let’s have a conversation about it so we can change this so it never happens again.
What happens is when a woman slashes and burns, she misses out on an opportunity to learn, to grow and maybe even to find the happiness she deeply desires.
When you have anger you’ve never really dealt with it, layers upon layers of it, there is deep healing work to be done. And instead of burning your life down, you become a phoenix rising through the ashes because this anger is now being channeled into something that feels like real strength instead of an uncontrollable firehose.
Unhealed Anger is powerful and destructive and never accomplishes what you were hoping it would.
However, healed anger is a beautiful energy that is amazing to express and can provoke great change.
We can see this played out on the world’s stage right now – peaceful protest vs. riots. Healthy anger vs. toxic anger. Both are fuelled by anger. Neither is wrong.
Sometimes it needs to take the rage of toxic anger to bring attention to the problem, and it’s the healthy anger that evokes the change. The peaceful protests that are the calm AFTER the storm that are saying – ok, so now that we have your attention – here are the issues.
There is a way to break free from all of this so when you do express anger, you do it with love. Your heart is the one that will be healed and feel good because the anger is so toxic for women, and when we learn to express it in healthy ways and fuel it for positive change, it can literally change the world. (Thank you Rosa Parks, Thank you Maya Angelou Thank you Joan of Arc…)
When women use their internal feminine power rather than anger it CHANGES THE WORLD.
Are you feeling angry? Unjust? Like your voice is just not being heard?
Whether you are a woman who wants to be heard by her male colleagues, or a woman of colour who is DONE with the blatant racism amongst your colleagues, or a wife to a partner who won’t hear her pleas – it’s time for you to recognize there are different outlets to you anger and when it comes from a grounded and healed place – it gets heard, acted on and the change you want occurs.
If you’d like to explore what this could look like for you and step into your healthy power as a woman and create a platform for change, book an Awakening Session with me. On this call we will take a deep dive into what’s got you so angry, and strategize on how you can gather it together to evoke powerful change and get you heard and seen.
Book in here.
Women are POWERFUL agents for change. We are the glue that holds humanity together. And for that we need to be healthy, and learn how to express our anger in ways that get the right kind of attention, evoke the right kind of change, and spark movements across time and space.
If you have a voice that needs to be heard – reach out.