I have been a serial monogamist.
As soon as one ended another began, with little time in between and definitely ZERO self reflection time in between.
I am a woman who remains single for a very short period of time, I’m asked out a lot and in the past have quickly said yes to whoever appeared somewhat stable and not an asshole but never did I ever learn the art of discernment.
I’m going on 8 months + 3 years of being single now, 3 of those years being in a co-parent, co-living roommate situation with my ex trying to make it work for the kids, but really, I was alone (and so was he), all of the time, and also not really able to date either because, well, #marriage.
But I’ve been truly single and alone going on 8 months, (maybe 9 – who is counting time anymore?) and have discovered so much about myself in this time. I had been doing deep inner discovery for the last 8 years, but I was always “with someone” so I didn’t get a chance to see what I am like alone – what kind of shenanigans does my ego and subconscious get up to when I have nobody to blame but myself for the shit show things that happen in my life?
I’ve discovered a few things these past few months.
Like I am messy and I hate to clean. I already knew that, but my ex always blamed it on me, while I always blamed it on him. Well….his place is MARGINALLY cleaner than mine. Mine is clean, don’t get me wrong, but it’s slightly dustier because dusting is the most evil thing anyone can be forced to do. I miss having a cleaner. So, that one’s on me.
I blamed him also for the ups and downs in my business, I blamed my marriage and the suburbs for that, but what I’ve come to realize is that oopsie – it’s all on me! I am (was) not as consistent as I had led myself to believe, and I also haven’t been as structured as I convinced myself I was.
As for dating, well…it’s been interesting and what I’ve learned is that if I like someone I give away my heart very quickly – I trust too quickly, I project all the good things and don’t give enough time for the truth to unfold, to wait to see how he shows up, and to discern if I actually really do like him or not. This is pure Aphrodite archetype sabotage – giving it away because to love feels like oxygen to me. And when I find another soul who I can give that to, I lose all senses. I did not know that about myself until recently. I mean, I knew it, but I didn’t KNOW it – it wasn’t in my face conscious so that I can do something about it.
But still, even though I am taking my time now, and being discerning and not settling for the first man who pays me attention, I feel untethered without the masculine in my life.
I’m a deeply feminine woman, ebbing and flowing, receiving and giving and enjoying the hell out of life…and I am designed to do this with a masculine partner. I mean, as a human of course, we are all designed to be pack animals, have community and family around us, but some people feel really great single, while others, like myself, feel very untethered.
This isn’t a needy, co-dependent thing – if it were, trust me, I would have (and could have) settled months ago.
No, this is deeper. It’s visceral. It’s part of life force for me.
I need that strong structure to crash up against so that I can feel secure in my femininity, and while I provide that for myself (because we are all masculine and feminine beings) there is nothing like having it in a partner. For me.
I believe when two people are in their highest selves and purpose and fall in love, wow – what a gift to the world. When two people who have huge hearts already merge those hearts, it’s like to the power of a gazillionmillionbillion. It’s a supernova.
Just think about how you have felt when you’ve seen a couple in love, really in love, it impacts you. It gives you hope. It makes you feel gooey inside. And then that feeling stays with you (as long as you don’t turn it on yourself and stab yourself in your heart saying “you’re never gonna find anyone”, “you’re a loser”, “you’re just ugly and fat”), and it lingers and you walk away smiling and then you spread that love to the next person you see, and then they smile, and they spread that love, and so on.
As humans, we deeply want this.
Love, pass it on.
So while I am so totally more than totally fine being single, living on my own, and spending the traditional “date nights” chillin with my homies or working or reading or studying…I am so ready for that real love to find its way to me. To have that experience take my breath away, to be supported and devoured by the masculine. To be received and to give from my overflowing cup. To consume him and surrender into his divinity and show him that he is winning every day.
I love the dance of the masculine and feminine, I love the polarity. I love the essence and strength and quiet solitude of my man. I love his heart, and his deep desire to be in his purpose and craft. I love to support his mission and be his muse and be his own personal goddess.
Oooh, to feel that in real life…how ecstatic, how exciting, how terrifying.
I’ve felt the power of a man’s love and focus and penetration of will and it is intense, and each time it takes my breath away, and I need to centre and re-group and remind myself to receive – because it’s only 1/10th of what he is capable of, and since I am so open and receptive, I feel it in my bones.
When my heart was closed, I would reject such advancements. I would hold him away from me. I would not let him in. I would criticize and find faults. I would control, emotionally manipulate and break hearts without even batting an eye. I would claim victim when it didn’t work out and blame him for being an asshole or a liar or emotionally unavailable.
Now I ask – how can I show up even better for the next one? How can I keep my heart open and yet not be so capturable? How can I demonstrate my sensuality without making him think I’m “easy” (I am NOT!). How can I not put him on a pedestal right away and give it time to blossom, or fizzle?
I’m learning. Every day, I learn. It’s trial and error and I know like I know he is right now doing the same. Working on his own shit, asking for his Aphrodite to show herself, to truly have done her work, to really mean it when she says – let’s go and play at life.
Until then…I wait, in my oyster shell, lounging, goddessing, mothering, working, creating, coaching, fun-ing, processing, growing and patient-ing.
And when he shows up I’ll know exactly how to receive him fully and completely and finally experience that epic love of a lifetime.
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