I don’t know where that originally comes from, but what I do know is that’s true (lol).
I am a pure truth seeker, in fact, my truth is so powerful and blinding that I have had so many relationships die because of it.
Guys I’ve dated who don’t like that I can see their bullshit so they ghost or break up with me.
Clients I’ve had who got angry at me and stopped working with me because I saw the lies they were telling themselves that they weren’t ready to see.
It’s a thing.
And it’s a thing I have a lot of shame around because it ultimately means I am the one getting rejected over and over again which plays into my Victim story of “I can’t have”…
Oh the tangled webs we weave when at first we deceive…and this begins with deceiving our own selves.
I lied to myself my whole life that I can’t have, that I’m not worthy or good enough and so have scrubbed and scrubbed up my inner world, my integrity, my worth and value only to find myself facing yet another level within this devil.
The last two weeks I have found myself deep in another iteration of shadow work where I excavated a bunch of belief systems and set of actions I was taking in my work that was causing me much pain and suffering.
I asked for support from the Universe, my higher self and the Goddesses and holy fuck I got it.
Ya know…the way the universe throat punches you when you don’t get the memo.
I’ve been diving into the works of Colin Tipping and Radical Forgiveness and after this “throat punch” I performed the exercises he suggests and I was immediately able to get to peace where only moments before I was deep into victim emotions.
The spiritual idea is that our souls are here to experience emotions, and when we have things happen when we’re kids we create attachments (samskara’s in Sanskrit – Michael Singer explains this really well in his audiobook) that end up playing out over and over again where it’s what I call The Lie That Feels Like The Truth…
These lies form our reality and so we get this “lesson” over and over again until we say enough.
And it’s in this ENOUGH stage that real growth can happen, that the TRUTH can finally set you free. When we are willing to acknowledge our fault lines, our self sabotaging thoughts, our shadow material and lovingly feel what we are feeling and try not to attach it to any story – which is so hard to do.
So the truth is that I can sometimes unconsciously create bonds with people without letting them know I’ve created it and expect a deeper relationship than what’s on offer.
And in that pattern, I get resentful and bitter when they aren’t giving me back what I feel is “fair” in terms of love or recognition.
This pattern is deep, from childhood, (and in my Human Design) and a shadow element because on the surface I’m more transactional, but underneath I have expectations that the other person isn’t aware I am wanting them to meet.
I’m literally writing the book on Non-Attachment right now (it’s being channeled through me), and so it’s no surprise that I just got a major lesson in it to continue my evolution…but man, does it ever hurt the heart.
Anyhow, my other pattern is that of pretending everything is perfect when it’s anything but, so here’s my vulnerability for you to witness and hold space for and perhaps you see yourself in me and know that you are perfect as you are, these samskaras are there to be released, we are not meant to keep ahold of these patterns because they just mess us up.
The biggest gift I’ve given myself these past few years is the gift of deep shadow work, and this has helped me see what these deeper patterns are and how they take me out, but it doesn’t always mean they don’t still blindside me…because this work is never one and done.
A 3 month coaching package is just the start, you’re not fully resolved in that time – it’s impossible to be and unrealistic to expect as much, but you definitely get a hell of a lot clearer on why you do the shit you do, and how to shift it.
Anyway, that’s all I have to say. Writing is always healing for me, so thank you for reading.
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