Yesterday, on Facebook, I wrote about being in a lot of fear, I was overcome with it and nothing I did was shaking it, and I talked you through my process of surrender and self-coaching.
Well, before I went to bed I had a massive insight into WHY I was in fear.
Yes, I woke with it because it’s TOTALLY normal to feel it right now – there’s so much change and uncertainty right now. And normally I’m able to meditate or whatnot through it, but this is what happened yesterday that caused me to stay in it – and it’s such a TINY thing, so tiny, but actually, it’s not. It is HUGE.
I bought toilet paper.
It might seem like no big deal, it’s just TP. But/and…
I went to Longos to get coffee and lemons (aka essentials!), and dishsoap and walked by the toilet paper next to the dishsoap and heard myself going “buuuyyyyy it”.
The dialogue was like this:
Divine self (DS): No Krisha, you do not need to. We don’t need any. It’s fine.
Human self (HS): But what if there is some sort of crazy weird thing that happens and all these people who rushed to buy it were right?
DS: No, that won’t happen. You trust in the divine and that we are all taken care of right? So leave it.
HS: But I have kids and I don’t want to run out.
DS: Krisha – listen to me – you believe in abundance! Don’t buy it.
HS: I’m doin’ it.
So this tiny, little breach which I KNEW was a breach in my internal knowing of what’s true (abundance) and what’s false (fera and scarcity) caused a huge rip in my internal self-trust yesterday. This weakened my inner game and when I was then exposed to further fear-based thinking from others throughout the day, and went for my walk and saw all the shops closed it just spun me way into the dark.
Why am I sharing this with you?
I’m sharing it because these tiny little Micro Integrity Breaches add up.
They add up so much that there were decisions I made in my life that were one big huge integrity breach and I knew it. And living daily with a knowing that you’re living some sort of lie (like being in a relationship you know deep down is over but pretending all is ok) destroys our inner trust, our self worth and esteem.
I’ve cleaned A LOT of that up, and I am so grateful for toilet-paper-gate yesterday because it allowed me to see that if I do not heed the abundant side of me, it has a price to pay in my psyche. My mental health takes a hit, my spirit takes a hit, and as a result of that I was not in content creation mode, I was not in service mode – I was mired in victim energy, feeling sorry for myself (that’s where I go when in fear), and kinda wasted a day where I could be providing service.
And what I just recovered and healed from was living my LIFE like this – with tons of tiny little micro-tears, mixed with bigger tears that I was avoiding looking at and I had to (got to) make some very painful and serious decisions and I never, ever want to go back there again. It was me acting out my patterns, not my true loving self.
It’s not a waste, because I obviously learned such a beautiful lesson, and I get to share this with you as a way for you to take a look –
Where are your Micro Integrity Breaches? These small tears in your belief systems, where you drop into fear instead of abundance, where you GO AGAINST YOUR INNER KNOWING?
And where are your Macro Integrity Breaches? What are those big things you don’t want to look at because to do so means something major has to change? (This is what I help people with by the way).
Here are some examples of Integrity Breaches:
Being in a relationship that is way over, but not leaving because you’re afraid of how it will look.
Not listening to your intuition – when you know you should not be doing something (major or minor) but do it anyway. (or vice versa).
Talking the talk but not walking the walk – e.g. speaking on something but not actively practicing it in your daily life.
You get the picture. Integrity Breaches destroy our self worth and esteem. When we clean it up, we rebuild from the inside out. It’s not easy work, but living your life as a lie is way harder. There is no shaming here ~ it’s happening because you have some shadow (blindspot) beliefs that are running your life that you simply can’t see yet. This is where having a coach really helps.
Will I have more Integrity Breaches as I continue this journey of a human self on this gorgeous planet of ours – OF COURSE!!! AND I get to re-learn the lesson over and over again, and this time I now have a very strong anchor point, the sense of fear and panic in my body yesterday will not be soon forgotten, the next time I sense it, I’ll have an even greater awareness of where it came from (possibly an integrity breach) and be able to pivot quickly. THIS IS THE BENEFIT OF GOING DEEEEEP INTO YOUR INNER WORK. You transcend (move through) your subconscious patterns FAST so they don’t sabotage the f*ck out of your entire life….like they did mine. <3
Compassion, self love and forgiveness is key, awareness and acceptance and a willingness to own and shift your material is essential for true expression of self in this lifetime.
Please, take this time of quiet and solitude (#socialdistancing) to examine your Integrity Breaches and feel free to reach out if you need some help to clean it up. <3
Interested in having 1:1 coaching support for your journey into your greatness? Check out my services here to see if there’s a way I can support you at this time.
Check out Calm in Your Chaos – Your Complimentary Anti-Burnout Toolkit – practical, no BS tools for the Leader who doesn’t have time to be burnt out.