Are you a woman between 35-55?
The symptoms you’re experiencing – the sleepless nights, the mood swings, the restlessness, the apathy, the anger and the longing…might not just be “life” or some hormonal transition.
While there are a lot of changes that do happen for women around our hormones, it’s not always just that.
For some women, it’s actually an awakening. Brene Brown says it’s an unraveling – it’s a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the life you’re ‘supposed’ to live.
I am here to share from experience – that’s exactly what it is, and what I just went through as a woman who turned 44 in 2019. Two kids, a mortgage and a coaching business in tow.
The universe was telling me loud and clear – “All of this pretending is not working for you anymore, you’re a shell of a woman, you are not in integrity, you’re not in love, you’re living a life developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – it HAS to go”.
So I did just that.
I’m here to tell you, from one strong woman to another, that what you’re feeling is normal, but the struggle and the silence around it is NOT. I give you permission to exhale and learn a little bit more about this phenomenon and see what you resonate with…and leave the rest.
What’s a midlife crisis?
A term coined in 1965 by Elliott Jaques (psychologist) is the narrative of the man who reaches professional goals but feels depressed and unappreciated. He blames his wife, or job for imprisoning him (men feel “trapped” at this stage) and he blows up his life for a younger, hotter woman and a fast car only to regret it later. (Yeah, because he’s EXTERNALLY searching for happiness, rather than turning the search within…)
By the time women reach their 40’s they enter a phase of life where they get a little sick of being something they’re not. “Fuck it Forties” is a term often used at this time…where you are either saying “I refuse to enter my 40’s”, or “I am saying fuck it to anything that no longer serves me”…
I’ve worked with many 40-something women (and am one myself) and can attest to this – there is a point women reach where they’ve pretty much had enough. Their bodies are changing and the accumulation of stress is causing a lot of health problems, and the vitality of youth is not only receding in her body, but also her soul.
So many women I worked with looked back at who they were in their 20’s and said to me “I want to be her again”…to which I responded, “OK, we will find her SPIRIT with your WISDOM and create a mother effing badass of a woman who knows who she is, what she wants and creates a life of love, peace, fulfilment and alignment”.
Oprah Magazine defined it as: “They’re just entering, slogging through or just leaving their 40s. They belong to Generation X, born roughly during the baby bust, from 1965 to 1984, the Title IX babies who were the first women in their families to go to college. Or go away to college. Or to live on their own, launch a career, marry in their late 20s (or never) or choose to stay home with their children. They’re a Latina executive in California, a white stay-at-home mom in Virginia who grows her own organic vegetables, an African-American writer in Texas, an Indian-American corporate vice president who grew up in the suburbs of New York, and dozens more. They’re smart. They’re grateful for what they have. They’re also exhausted. Some of them are terrified. A few of them are wondering what the point is.“
The article goes on to describe the U Curve – In a 2014 article in The Atlantic, Jonathan Rauch described research on the “U-curve,” a social science term referencing a dip in happiness that occurs in midlife around the world, even in apes. Other research suggests that women’s happiness bottoms out around 40; men’s, around 50.
The Atlantic article, written by a man, describes the FEELING of my experience beautifully –
Morning after morning (mornings were the worst), I would wake up feeling disappointed, my head buzzing with obsessive thoughts about my failures. I had accomplished too little professionally, had let life pass me by, needed some nameless kind of change or escape.
My dissatisfaction was whiny and irrational, as I well knew, so I kept it to myself. When I thought about it—which I did, a lot—I rejected the term midlife crisis, because I was holding a steady course and never in fact experienced a crisis: more like a constant drizzle of disappointment. What annoyed me most of all, much more than the disappointment itself, was that I felt ungrateful, the last thing in the world I was entitled to be. Hopeful that rationality might prevail, I would count my blessings, quite literally—making lists mentally, and sometimes also on paper of all that I had to be thankful for. Reasoning with myself might help for a little while, but then the disappointment would return. As the weeks turned into months, and then into years, my image of myself began to change. I had always thought of myself as a basically happy person, but now I seemed to be someone who dwelt on discontents, real or imaginary. I supposed I would have to reconcile myself to being a malcontent.
In this video I talk about what I call “Grocery Gratitude” – which is exactly what he describes here – counting the blessings, making mental lists in hopes that it will change things. It doesn’t.
Major life things can also precipitate this deep dip in happiness including deaths, job loss, divorce and health issues that seem to come out of nowhere.
Studies show that satisfaction declines as we get older…and then suddenly in our 50’s or 60’s things start to balance out…and a lot of people in the Atlantic article spent 10 years or more in misery when they could have reached a point of satisfaction and acceptance way earlier.
My “crisis” started in my late 30’s and by 44 I was through it. I could have gotten through it much faster had I known what was going on and had help and the rituals and practices I share with you below.
The stigma around this phenomenon is really bad and why I kept it quiet and failed to act on it for years…it looks irresponsible like you’re escaping, being self-indulgent, antisocial. A lame excuse for behaving badly. The complaints are “first world problems” and you feel bad for feeling bad.
And “crisis” sounds so sharp…it’s not a crisis, it’s a prolonged groundhog day and actually a natural transition to a new equilibrium. Once I surrendered and gave myself permission to lean into this new version of myself, things got way easier.
Below is a summary of what it looks like and what you can do about it…
What does it look like?
You’ve lost your mojo – it’s groundhog day every day and you wonder “is this it?”
Your current (career / relationship / life) path is not what you want anymore – it doesn’t fulfil you, and you have no clue what to do about it all.
You feel unhappy and can’t pinpoint why – something is niggling at you, but you’re too busy to really look at it…but it’s there, in those moments when you want to rage or cry for seemingly no reason.
People are commenting on how you’re not yourself lately – and maybe you secretly think “yeah, thank GOD for that!”, but are also scared of fully stepping into this new you.
You feel weak and alone – the worst for a powerful woman like you.
You have low energy, anxiety or even depression – you might be on medication, or are trying really hard to deal without it.
You feel super stuck and overwhelmed – like you’re in quicksand or cement – unclear, indecisive, frustrated and distracted. You get a little traction then poof – right back to suck-ville.
You’re drained, and have little energy – it’s going to everyone else but you.
You’ve got a face, body and waistline you don’t recognize – and are SO over the diets, the insomnia, the search for the perfect serum and want to age naturally and gracefully. Maybe you crumpled up a reunion invitation because you didn’t become what you planned to become.
What does it sound and feel like?
“I can’t breathe”
“Is this IT?”
“I’m tired of being tired”
“I can’t do this anymore”
“Why does she/he have this and I don’t?”
“I should be more successful”
“Why did I spend all that money on x?”
“Who the hell am I married to?”
“I’m disgusted with myself right now”
“I feel like I’m going crazy”
“I hated my marriage but I was afraid to leave, so I woke up one morning and said yesterday was not the day to leave, tomorrow will be too late, I have to leave today”.
“I have such a short fuse these days”
“I’m successful and reached my goals…but what does this mean now that I’m here? Is this IT?”
“I don’t know who I am anymore”
“I’d leave (my marriage) if I had more money”
“I think I’m falling apart”
“I’m a fraud”
“If only I had done things differently”
“Will I ever find love? Am I going to be single forever?”
“If all my so called intelligent choices have led me here, how can I trust myself to make choices now?”
“Will I ever have sex again?”
“The world is so broken – how can I help, what can I do about this?”
What brings on the crisis (for women)?
The inevitability of change. “You are not going to be you – fixed, immutable you – forever” Nora Ephron
Physiological – perimenopause, change in hormones – worse if years leading up to it were really stressful. Declining estrogen and progesterone interfere with sleep, affect moods and energy levels. Memory loss, weight gain, anxiety, decreased interest in things you used to enjoy. Major health issues like autoimmune, heart attacks.
Emotional – the accumulation of experiences of trauma and loss take their toll, significant change in identity (divorce, job loss/career change, empty nest, new parent) leave you with prolonged feeling of GRIEF. You question your deepest beliefs and most confident choices. You lost trust in yourself.
Societal – Youth obsessed culture is not kind to ageing population. Feel invisible, pressure to mask signs of ageing. Struggling to take care of kids and parents when you just want to take care of yourself. Made difficult choices you didn’t want to have to make about family or career that men don’t need to face. Chronic financial anxieties to keep up with the joneses and if you’re not achieving you mean nothing. Comparing yourself and your level of success (or lack of) with others.
Spiritual – A lack of real gratitude, going through the motions, lack of compassion or empathy (especially to yourself), knowing and living your true values (most people live other people’s values!), unable to cope with uncertainty or ambiguity. The distractions, choices and pressure creates an environment of wanting to numb out and anything that invites you to be still, quiet and look at your shit can be daunting. A lack of mindfulness practices leads to a lack of intimacy you crave, the depth you crave, the focus you crave. Slowing down enough to smell the flowers allows for a more harmonious and vibrant life.
Planetary – ok, stick with me – depending on how woo-woo you are (most of the women I work with are what I lovingly call “woo curious”…into woo woo, but not fully immersed, yet), you may brush this aside, but I urge you not to. Whether you believe this or not, we are all influenced by the planets. You may already be familiar with how the moon impacts our moods and cycles as women, how the sun makes you feel so energized and happy, and how Mercury Retrograde can mess up technology.
We are also influenced by the transits of the planets as they and we are spinning around in this vast universe. In Human Design we are able to see at the time of our birth which planets influence us and how they connect to the IChing and map out our life’s purpose. At around the age of 40-something Uranus has made its way 180 degrees from where it was when you were born and all of a sudden you have access to a whole bunch of NEW energies – what I like to call Purpose Helpers – to get you on track to living out your purpose, making way for your Chiron return when you’re in your 50’s. When Uranus starts to wiggle in, we can get REAL hard on ourselves. Question our accomplishments and what it all means. Or just feel a sense of pressure, the need to break free or general heaviness. Sound familiar…?
For more about Human Design and to check out your Uranus Opposition, grab a session with me here!
Psychological – not dealing with your nasty inner critic creates a zone ripe for self sabotaging behaviour and thwarts any attempt you are trying to make to change things for yourself.
What can you do about it?
Walk into Your Dark Goddess – follow your fears and your darkness to find the light. Midlife will resolve itself as you get older (like after 60 – if you’re 40 now, can you wait 20 years to feel good again?), but you don’t have to struggle in the meantime. While it may suck while you’re in it, and the change and problems are inevitable, you CAN do it with grace, ease and tons of sex and a lot of fun.
To nudge the needle on your satisfaction meter sooner than later this is what you can do:
Move your body – working out and exercising is great, but it can also be fraught with expectations and mental beat-downs if you don’t “get to the gym”, or you don’t see results fast enough. By inviting in different forms of movement such as just dancing around your living room to your fave tunes burns a ton of calories, shifts the stuck energy from your mind and out of your body, and is totally fun! In my Calm in the Chaos Video Series I go through some super fun movement activities you can start doing today no matter where you are on your journey or how you feel about your body right now – all bodies are welcome!
Find cool new friends (by being a cool new friend yourself) – women know how to support women, but only the ones who have done their inner work. The wise ones, the ones who have faced their own shadow and dark and are happy as a result are the ones you want to hang with. Avoid anyone who has never done personal growth, who complains and doesn’t take action, who judges, gossips or criticizes others, who judges YOU, who is passive aggressive, jealous or really insecure. Know that these people are operating in an unconscious shadow version of themselves and can impact your healing greatly and make you doubt your own process. Be VERY careful who you let in your aura as you do this work. Be discerning.
Connect with nature – going barefoot in the grass supercharges you, forest bathing nourishes your soul, sitting on a beach and meditating opens you up hugely. Being outside even when it’s freezing out is medicine. Present awareness is a Buddhist term that means becoming super aware of what’s going on around you – when you’re out in nature, take a few minutes to just sit and use your senses to what is going on around you – what do you hear, smell, touch? I offer more tips like this in my free 5 Day Video Series – Calm in the Chaos.
Home remedies & healthy eating (nourishment) – stop letting your inner child take over and allow yourself to have healthy foods. There is something about punishment when we reach for junk. We’re keeping ourselves fat, ugly and alone because we don’t believe we deserve love. Override that motherf*cker by using your will (or borrow mine) to make a smoothie, or a salad or adding veggies to your dinner. Lemon water first thing is a great start. Practice mindful eating, give gratitude to your meals, heal your digestive tract, take collagen, magnesium, fish oil, probiotics.
Join my FREE 5 Day Series – Calm in the Chaos – Inside This FREE Video Series, I Share 5 Foundational Rituals That Will Help You To Stay Anchored & Awaken Your Personal Power (Even When Everything Feels Like It’s Out Of Your Control). Grab it here.
Breathe your way to bliss – taking up breathwork daily is a FAST way to calm the nervous system, balance out both sides of the brain, invite clarity of mind, turn off the inner critic (even if for a moment) and tap into your intuitive superpowers. Nodi Shadna (alternate nostril), Ujaii, or just breathe in general. Notice your breathing, notice what comes up when you try to breathe, notice if you hold your breath and when. Sometimes I hold my breath in meditation which is great, but I also hold my breath while working and it creates a lot of tension in my upper body, neck, shoulders and gives me a headache, makes me tired and unfocused.
Hire a coach/mentor/guide who can help you navigate all of these changes, work through grief, manage anxiety and create a plan and path towards fulfillment and purpose driven alignment. If you’re ready to take a look and make some changes in your life, jump on a free call with me where we can determine if you’re ready to go deep and choose a new way of living. For a complimentary Awakening Session with Krisha, click here.
Write down what you have accomplished – Not just jobs and awards and degrees. Go into traumas you survived, people you have loved, friends you’ve helped, places you’ve travelled, things you accomplished that you were scared to do, but did anyway (even travelling alone, leaving relationships, quitting jobs, standing up for yourself etc), Plants you managed not to kill.
Don’t be afraid to look at your self sabotages and the Inner Judge’s thoughts – looking at the dark brings us to the light, and this is where we find the most clarity, understanding and answers to why we are struggling and repeating the same groundhog day patterns over and over again. I go deep into this topic in my free 5 Day Video Series – Calm in the Chaos – Join here!
Take steps towards a new future – “It’s never too late to be what you might have been” – George Eliot. Take a course, start a business, begin dating, take up a new craft in an area you think you have no talent (sing if you can’t sing, dance if you can’t dance, draw if you can’t draw).
Consume – books, resources that inspire you or motivate you. Limit news and newsfeed.
Forgive and accept – exhale, realize you’re not alone. I felt so alone while going through this, I did not have anyone else around me who really understood – just a bunch of people either telling me to “leave the marriage” or “stop improving yourself”…nobody really got what I was going through and I felt very isolated and wrong for feeling what I was feeling. I beat myself up a lot for it too. If you are resonating with this, you’re not alone…and you’re not wrong. There is love and light at the end of the tunnel.
The silver lining
It’s an awakening. It’s an ascension. It’s a soul call. It’s a call to real love, real joy and real happiness.
The grey period, while it feels like a never-ending rainy day, is just a moment in time. The truth is, you absolutely have a choice how you handle it, you CAN be more kind and loving to yourself, you CAN age gracefully, you CAN start fresh no matter what crazy decisions you made in the past, you CAN trust yourself again, you CAN create the live you really want, you CAN say NO, you CAN have sex that blows your mind, you CAN feel peaceful and calm inside regardless of what’s going on around you. I’ve done it. I’m doing it. And it doesn’t have to take you a decade.
I am a spokesperson for the sexy midlife crisis. I am a motherf*cking GODDESS at 44 and have no plans of slowing down, settling, or dimming my light anymore. I am here to be heard, loved, fucked well, rich, expressed and LIVE LIFE to its fullest capacity, and to help other women do the same.
Women are more vulnerable to this malaise because of the changes to our bodies, because society makes us take on roles we don’t really want to, breadwinners, successful high performing leaders, beauty queens, nurturing and loving mommies, porn stars & experts at blow jobs all at once. No wonder we call it “Fuck it Fourties” ~ what a bunch of pressure.
We CAN be all of those things or none of them, in full integrity, alignment, truth and have tons of fun with it.
We CAN age gracefully and honour our changing bodies.
We CAN live into our full potential.
We CAN have amazing love for ourselves and for others.
We CAN (and should) LIVE OUR TRUTH
It’s time for you to AWAKEN woman…stop struggling. Drop the fight. Claim your power, claim your VOICE in this world.
This is where I can help – I have created an easy, judgement-free 5 day video series for you to do privately, in your own time, and also within my community should you wish to have additional accountability and other like-minded women cheer you on…
Calm In The Chaos – my FREE Video Series where I Share 5 Foundational Rituals That Will Help You To Stay Anchored & Awaken Your Personal Power (Even When Everything Feels Like It’s Out Of Your Control)
You don’t need to blow everything up just yet, or ever ~ but you CAN decide now how you want the next phase of your life to go, and by implementing these gorgeous rituals will help you tap into your own inner Goddess power, you will start to feel happier, balanced, focused and in more alignment than ever before.
You’ll feel a sense of true accomplishment and not that expectation-based judgement for you to do everything PERFECTLY or you’re a failure.
Perfectly imperfect rituals that fit into your busy day, and set you up for success instead of sabotage (and yes, we cover self sabotage in this series!), and the tools and support to help it stick for good this time.
This is my jam – helping busy women prioritize themselves in ways that work for them, with no guilt, pressure or judgement.
It’s the help, tools and support I wish I had when I was going through this.
In this FREE series we will cover:
Introducing practical yet very effective tools and practices that you can do to help you to have your “me time moment” and keep it up.
Learn to invite more LOVE in your life and end the incessant sense of not being enough.
We will give you the soul-hacks for you to be kinder to yourself and turn down the volume on those negative thoughts and inner critic.
Explore your sneaky self-sabotages and slay those limits that keep you on the path of resistance and procrastination (which then leads to those nasty negative thoughts!).
The series includes live support from me and a community of like-minded women who are looking to have more real happiness, joy and peace in their lives without the pressure of perfection.
If you’re ready to make some positive changes and want practical, no BS ways to do it, then this is your series and I’m your gal.
You’re ready and open to explore your lifestyle and make changes where you need to and start to put yourself first for a change. (I’ll help you do this without upsetting or pissing people off).
You love accountability, support and step by step practices that don’t take a lot of time, or mental bandwidth.
If this sounds like you, then click the link and grab the video series – you’ll get emails delivered straight to your inbox and it includes visualizations, meditations, a journal and as I mentioned live support from me and a kick ass community of like minded women to cheer you on, support you and keep you accountable.
I’m so excited to have you join, grab your spot now!